TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let's have Yet another area wherever American Adult males can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It truly is that he must quit utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the job, replied, "You recognize, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people today. Great tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a large Trump head visible from Area, a characteristic staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and also the chin is… properly, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after acquiring the building's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not just unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Complicated Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest factor on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever attendees may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Area Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Eternally."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "the place's the closest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting notice from Intercontinental investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll acquire three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will even involve:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to find out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort in which my PTSD can have convert-down support."


A further submit from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews advise:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It required gold. It desired a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave everything 3. You're welcome."

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